Apparently Drug Addicts Love Our Blog

This will be a short post. I just wanted to share a little insight we gained while looking through the page view counts for this blog:

I was wondering what was special about April 20th, until Jessica walked in and said "Oh look, we got a spike in our page views on National Drug Day".

Now you may be thinking: Drug Free Day? Isn't that what Red Ribbon Week is for? Why do they need a separate day for it? When I expressed my confusion, Jessica explained that it's a day for doing drugs. I was curious how my sweet, not-at-all-a-drug-addict wife would know about this, and she blames it on her high school friend having a birthday that day. Sure.... (rolls eyes suggestively while quietly hiding the prescription drugs).

When she brought this up we decided to check if it was a local thing or actually a national trend. Enter Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4_20

For those of you as confused by this as I initially was, "cannabis" is another word for marijuana, which is another word for pot (the kind you smoke, not that other one. Ewwww.)

So there you have it. Our blog is scientifically proven to be linked to drug use. Continue reading at your own peril. (Just kidding, please keep reading. A disturbing amount of our fragile self esteem depends on the numbers that come up on our screen when we look up our blog).

*Disclaimer: We do not in any way condone the use or misuse of drugs. The End.

Prince Phillip is the Man

The two people who read this blog probably already know this story (hi Mom! hi Jessica's little sister!), but it's a pretty good story and deserves to be immortalized in blog form. It all started at a church-sponsored lunch for local single adults (this was in the darker, scarier, pre-Jessica period of my life).

I was sitting at a table with some friends and we were discussing the fact that it was Valentine's Day and we were all going to spend it alone in our parents' basements eating chocolate and desperately refreshing our Facebook pages.

Somehow we got on the subject of the movie Beauty and the Beast, and I jokingly suggested that since it was Valentine's Day we should all get together and watch it and revel in the romance. I'm 95% sure I intended this to be a joke, but then something happened that I hadn't foreseen even though in hindsight it's really obvious: the girls at our table jumped on the idea. Not only that, they called over the girls at the neighboring table and told them the idea. The realization slowly crystallized in my head that if I had a party at my house centered around watching a girly movie then girls would come to my house. 

The party was a huge hit. We had a 50% or better ratio of girls to guys (the holy grail of party planners everywhere), I learned the words to Gaston's theme song (he's especially good at expectorating), and even though I spent Valentine's Day eating chocolate in my parents basement watching a sappy romantic movie, for a few hours being single didn't stink too bad. Everyone agreed we should do it again, so we made it a Sunday evening tradition, and thus was born:

Disney Princess Sundays turned out to be immensely successful. I discovered that not only were most of my friends huge Disney fans, but most of the movies I shunned as a kid because they were too romantic actually had a high entertainment value. Case in point: Pocahontas. I remember not really caring for that movie when it came out, but when we watched it as part of Disney Princess Sundays it was hilarious. As a side note, we realized that the most dynamic, interesting character in that movie isn't Pocahontas, John Smith, or even Grandmother Willow, it's Batman. The proof is as follows:

1. There's a character named Thomas who is voiced by the Dark Knight himself: Christian Bale. He starts the movie off as an insecure young adventurer who falls off the boat and has to get rescued by John Smith. John Smith later has to give him pointers on how to shoot a rifle because he's too shaky and inexperienced to hit anything.

2. When Kokoum and John Smith are fighting over Pocahontas it's Thomas who shows up and shoots Kokoum, displaying a complete 180 in terms of confidence and manliness (and a total violation of Batman's code prohibiting firearms and killing. Maybe Ann Hathaway did the voice of Thomas's gun, since Catwoman clearly has no such prohibition).

3. When the colonists turn on the corrupt governor Radcliffe it's Thomas who gives the orders to lock him up. In other words, by killing Kokoum, Thomas has gained the respect of all the other colonists and is elevated to a position of authority.

Despite getting a girlfriend and learning not to be a racist, John Smith's character doesn't really change during the movie. The same can be said of Pocahontas, her dad, Radcliffe, and Kokoum (unless dying can be seen as character development). Thomas, on the other hand, goes from a fumbling, inept bystander to a confident, respected figure of authority.

We had a lot more fun with that movie once we realized that not only did it have Christian Bale in it, but that it chronicles his bloody rise to power. When you think about it, how many Disney characters have intentionally killed someone on screen? Notable examples include Scar from The Lion King, Mother Gothel from Tangled,  Gaston from Beauty and the Beast (haha, just kidding, Belle loves the Beast so he's not dead), Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, and Prince "I'm a freakin' stud" Phillip from Sleeping Beauty (with all apologies to Team Eric, Phillip is just on a whole other level).

Note that, despite Marvel being owned by Disney, Cyclops still isn't on the podium.

But we're getting a little off topic here. Aside from Beauty and the Beast and Pocahontas, we watched all the other classic Disney Princess movies: The Little Mermaid, Snow White, Cinderella, Princess and the Frog, Aladdin, Tangled, even The Black Cauldron.

Eventually we had to branch out into movies that didn't have princesses like Oliver and Company, The Lion King, and The Incredibles.

This went on until I met Jessica and recognized in her the essential marriage characteristics I'd been learning about from Disney movies for the past year. I don't know if it was that our apartment was in a less convenient location or we just smelled bad because we were married, but attendance at Disney Princess Sundays dropped off dramatically. We still tried to have them for a while, but we ran out of Disney movies and had to branch out into Dreamworks movies and Don Bluth movies. This post is getting a little long so that will have to wait until next week's post. Until then here's a picture that really made us laugh; Kasie this is for you.

Comment prompt of the week: What's your favorite Disney Princess/Prince pair? Why? More importantly, who has the best shoes? 

Cyclops Shoots First

So today's post is actually a continuation of my previous post. Those of you that are getting tired of X-Men references are probably on the wrong blog, especially since I'm now midway through X-Men Evolution on Netflix. For the rest of you, here's some interesting things I learned about Cyclops from the X-Men while researching this post:

1. Cyclops gets his powers from solar radiation (similar to Superman, but weaker because he's just a mutant human, not an alien).
2. Cyclops used to be able to control his powers until he sustained a head injury as a child. The trauma caused him to lose control to the point that whenever he opens his eyes the beams come out. This is why in X-Men Evolution when Rogue absorbs his powers she doesn't need to wear his special sunglasses, since Rogue doesn't have the head injury and would therefore be able to control his powers.
3. His beams hit with a concussive force (like a giant, long-range fist) rather than heat. This is different from Superman's heat vision, which is drawn in a way similar to Cyclops' optic blasts (as red beams coming from his eyes), but heats up and vaporizes what it hits rather than smashing it.
4. Cyclops has a brother named Havok who shoots plasma out of his hands. For some reason his powers don't work against Cyclops and vice/versa. Ironically, his powers work very much like Superman's heat vision.
5. In the comics, he doesn't marry Jean Grey first. Instead, one of the times Jean dies he marries Madelyne Prior, who looks just like Jean, has a son with her, and retires from the X-Men...... until Jean turns out to be alive again, at which point he ditches her and the kid, proving that comic book writers are all despicable human beings. To justify all this, they end up rewriting Madelyne as a clone of Jean Grey, a goblin queen, the daughter of Mr. Sinister, and various other explanations for why it was okay for Cyclops to dump her that were later retconned* because they were all terrible ideas. (This is why I prefer the cartoon and movie versions of most comic book franchises. The actual comic books tend to go for so long that they jump the shark, then nuke the fridge, then nuke a fridge that's jumping over a shark. The cartoons usually avoid most of the nastier retcons and horrible moral dilemmas because they have to stay kid friendly and only run for a few seasons anyway). 
6. Cyclops' son is named Cable. For some reason Cable ends up living a thousand years in the future and has a "techno-organic virus" that gives the writers an excuse to draw him with an awesome metal arm and really cool futuristic guns that he actually uses to shoot things (One of my pet peeves is that more comic book characters don't use guns and conventional weapons). With the possible exceptions of Wolverine and Bishop, Cable may just be the baddest X-Man there is.

Cable gets first place because real men take care of baby girls

You'd think as Cable's dad that Cyclops would end up on the podium, right? Well, let's just say he gets an 'A' for effort.

*Comic books change their continuity a ridiculous amount. Aside from the fact that no one stays dead except for Captain America's sidekick Bucky, Jason Todd (the second Robin), and Uncle Ben from Spiderman, there's the fact that people's powers, costumes, and back-stories change from issue to issue. In the industry this is referred to as a retcon, which stands for retroactive continuity.  DC Comics is worse about this than Marvel, but they both do it.

Anyway, now that we have all that background we can continue the narrative I started in a previous post about what would happen if I woke up one day with Cyclops' powers. In our last issue, our intrepid hero was just finishing lunch at Professor Xaviers School for At-Risk Teens Gifted Youngsters when...

12:30pm: An alarm sounds in the building. Immediately all the faculty strip off their business suits, revealing awkward spandex costumes. I raise an eyebrow questioningly, and a furry blue German demon-elf tells me they tried switching to leather costumes for the movies but changed back when they discovered the spandex breathes better. He also whips out two swords and mutters something about how stupid it was that he didn't get to use them in the movies.

The wall to our left crumbles and Gandalf flies in wearing a red cape and helmet. He is followed by a nasty toad-man, a big fat guy, a guy with a flamethrower, and a bigger surly Canadian with sharp teeth and long fingernails (great, now I have to keep track of two animal-themed Canadians). Unfortunately, they're also wearing what look like spandex outfits. After recovering from the shock I catch a whiff of body odor that convinces me their outfits must be made of a cheaper material than spandex as it clearly does not breathe well.

Gandalf and Captain Picard start debating whether humankind would be more tolerant of mutants if they were vigilantes or terrorists. Before I can ask for his autograph and ask how Bilbo is doing Professor X uses his telepathy to insist I stop calling him Captain Picard and explains that his debate partner is Magneto, the Master of Magnetism, who is far less friendly to short people than Gandalf. At that moment, Logan (the "good" Canadian) busts in and jumps toward the helmeted guy, whose name I've already forgotten. The magnet guy (Magnesium? Magenta? Magna Carta?) flicks his hand and sends him crashing into the wall. Everyone shakes their heads awkwardly like this has happened before. Logan then brushes himself off and joins our side, and each team forms a line on either side of the room. Just as I'm convinced there's going to be an epic battle with lasers and explosions and cool guitar music in the background, Magnolia flicks his hand again and a foosball table rolls into the center of the room. Everyone cheers as Captain Pic.... Xavier proceeds to narrowly defeat Magnetroid 5-4. After a bunch of robots come in to magically repair the wall (just like always happens off-screen in '90s TV shows), we all stop for a photo:

2:30pm - After our harrowing adventure with Magna-Doodle and his henchmen, we get a call from the local police station about a bank robbery. We pile into a Humvee and head off to intercept the robbers. Within a half hour we've foiled the bank robbery and a few cars who cut us off may or may not have ended up smoking on the side of the road with optic-blast-shaped holes in their sides.

3:15pm - Jessica and I spend a half hour brainstorming battle cries and one liners. We discard most of them, but decide to keep "Well apparently," *puts on sunglasses* "looks can kill." (yeeeaaaahhhhh!)

6pm - Dinnertime. As a special treat, the Avengers are our dinner guests. Iron Man tries to get me to do some welding until the unfortunately credible Dr. Banner steps in and explains the difference between optic blasts and heat vision. I commit some kind of faux pas by asking Captain America to sign some trading cards I got from Gambit. The room gets really quiet and Thor mutters something about the son of Cole. Jessica spends most of the meal chatting with Black Widow about where she gets her boots.

7pm - We get a flight home in the X-Jet. The in-flight movie is The Wedding Planner, starring Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey. By the end Storm and Shadowcat are asleep and Wolverine is bawling. Apparently it's his second favorite movie after Hitch.

10pm - We have some trouble putting Tori to sleep as she keeps levitating a foot above her crib for some reason. After the day we've had we're too tired to care, so we just drape a blanket over her and she falls asleep that way.

11:45pm - Tori wakes up crying. For some reason her voice is different, everything in the room is levitating, and her shadow is shaped like a bird that's on fire. I change her diaper and she falls uneventfully back asleep.

I hope you've enjoyed this trip to the depths of nerdiness. I'll leave you with a discussion question: If you could be any of the X-Men, which would you be? How would you change your costume, if at all? Let us know in the comments.

Also, since no one has submitted anything for our Baby Avengers challenge, here's my version of the Baby Justice League in the hopes it will garner us some submissions: